Is the past really relevant?
Last night, after much delay, I finally accepted a phone call from a man who’s name I do not know- I call him Toronto.
This conversation started out slow and dry. It took a little trial and error to find a topic that I could get him to ramble on about- ideal because I could just zone out or check my ever exciting work email. While he went on and on about the best ways to travel between major cities I found a plethora of pointless sh*t to get into.
Having decided that I successfully made him feel like we have gotten to know a little more about each other I was ready to go to bed but just getting off of the phone didn’t seem good enough. I needed an excuse and viola! I suddenly realized that I should my hair. Who cares that it was 10:30. Here’s where I went wrong…
He started asking me questions about my last relationship, WTF?! It’s not that I’m all scary and too broken to talk about it but seriously, why was it relevant at that point? Which then had me thinking, how important is the past? A ridiculous conversation ensued WHILE I was washing my hair (two shampoos and a condition) about what from a woman’s past could he simply not let slide.
Setting foam and black papers later I was sitting under the dryer wondering what my deal breakers with regards to somebody’s past would actually be. I settled on illegal sexual misconduct, any sexual experimenting with other men, and drug or alcohol addictions. I don’t think that any of those these really stay in your last.
Then I started thinking, “gosh, does he now think that he is so interesting that I couldn’t even hang up to wash my hair?”.
5 Reasons Why My Slacks Are Ruining My Life…
1. I shrunk my slacks in the dryer because dry clean only means nothing to me.
2. My slacks are wrinkled. I wore them anyway.
3. Because my slacks have shrunk my booty is kind of amazing in them… but I’m at work.
4. Shrunken slacks have a direct correlation to a situation I want to refer to as coconut squeeze.
5. I was listening to In the Morning, by J. Cole ft. that other light skinned guy, this morning while getting dressed so my shrunken slacks are in effect throwing all sorts of shade on my morning time sexy.
Ask INC: Handling Rejection
Dear Inc,
I met a guy over the phone and we decided to exchange pics. He sent me his and then called me right back to make sure that I received it and to ask for mine. After I sent mine I never heard back from him. I really enjoyed our conversation and was looking forward to seeing where this could go. What should I do?
Thanks,
Rejected
Dear Rejected-
Is it possible that you are in fact, ugly? If so, the only thing I can suggest is to work on your head game. Outside of that, I’m assuming that maybe you are not used to things like this. I think I can still help. I know most people would tell you stupid things like “let it go” “it’s his loss” “blah blah blah” but honestly that’s all BS. What you should do is turn it all the way up!
Whether you are ugly or not, let’s face it, your market value is quickly declining with age which means that you need to repackage the goods. What worked for you when you were 21 is no longer going to work at 31. These are the facts of life. You cannot wait for him to get back to you. Listen closely… YOU HAVE TO STALK HIM!
I know, I know, stalking sounds like such a scary word but whether they believe it or not, men love a devoted stalker. We all know how well society rewards a hard worker and men want to know just how much you want them. So how do you get started, you ask? Well, you texted him your picture so you already have his number. Now go make friends with somebody who works with his mobile carrier and get his address. Once you take that step the rest will come to you because at that point you have already crossed over into a realm of endless possibilities.
Good luck and get your man honey!
If you have any pressing/non-pressing questions that you want advice or my opinion on email me at ask.inc23@gmail.com. I’d love to help!
Ask INC: I’m a woman…NOW!
Dear Inc23:
I have been single the last few years and I really feel like I’m ready for a relationship but there is just one problem. I was born a man but always felt like I should be a woman. I tried to ignore these feels, in fact my last relationship was with a woman but I felt like I was living a lie. During my single period I underwent a sex change and am now ready to get back in the game. My question is should I tell men that I too was once a man?
Sincerely,
I’m a woman now
Dear I’m a woman now-
I can honestly say that I have never been asked this question before but I can help. The simple answer is: No! Under no circumstances do you have to tell a man about your past. He should love you for who you are now and anything that happened in the past is irrelevant. As long as you have a vagina he won’t even suspect it!
I’m not an expert on sex changes, but as far as I know scientists and top surgeons are still unable to make born again women into childbearing women so you need two things- 1) a man who already has kids so that you don’t cheat him out of the joys of fatherhood and 2) a good response as to why you won’t be bearing any children. While you won’t need help with number 1 you might like some suggestions on number 2. Try these:
- i don’t want children to ruin my body
- i don’t like children
- i’d rather adopt needy children
- i just want it to be all about you and me
Things you shouldn’t say:
- i was once a man and then i had a sex change… oops! i must have forgotten to mention that
Hope this helps!
INC
If you have any pressing/non-pressing questions that you want advice or my opinion on email me at ask.inc23@gmail.com or post anonymous comment. I’d love to help!
The last thing I burned…
I used to burn things in the kitchen. I refused to stay in there while things sauteed or baked and when coupled with my adult onset attention deficit, things would burn. It’s really a wonder that I never burned down my mother’s house.
Knowing my propensity to burn things and despite such she asked me to watch the lasagna. She told me to take it out in 35 mins and please don’t burn it. I thought, no problem, by the time my show was over I’d remember to take it out. SIKE! About an hour later I found myself running fast as hell to the kitchen to take out the lasagna which had the ugliest burned up cheese on the top. I was scared because she was going to cut ass on me if she came home to find out that the next 2 nights of dinner was burned up. Soooo what did I do you ask? I took off the top layer of cheese replaced it with some fresh cheese and stuck that sucker right back in the oven. I thought she’d never know. Yeah right, that lasagna was dry as hell and the whole bottom layer was charred. Guess she learned her lesson.
INC
Caught with my pants down.
I’m much better now but I used to have a very real fear of toilets and when I discovered automatic toilets my irrational fears were exponentially exacerbated. I prefer to use my foot to flush the toilet after I have already unlocked AND opened the stall door. Those automatic joints just flush all willy nilly and it scares the hell out of me. Here’s my most embarrassing encounter with one:
As scheduled, the china bus from Boston to NY made it’s regular stop at McDonald’s and everybody rushed off to go to the bathroom and buy food. With a full bladder I was grateful to be the first one into the bathroom. I rushed into the stall handled business and just as I was reaching to pull up my pants when I heard the scariest noise in the world… An automatic toilet. I busted through the stall door just before I got sucked into the toilet only to find a crowd of people staring into my fear stricken face. Pants down, panties up, near tears, slightly embarrassed I gathered myself, washed my hands and went on my way. That was a funny day.
INC
This is Genius!
Sorry ladies, I’m playing for the other team today…
I’m a pretty amazing gal so I have some advice to share with the fellas today. I can’t take full credit for this but because I know women I can endorse it as nearly fool proof unless you are a bigger fool than this plan requires.
Now, how many times have you gone out and you see a group of let’s say 3 girls and one is really worth your attention but you have to get her away from her girls because they just look like haters. I have a plan for you.
Step one:
Order 2 drinks.
Step B:
Have them sent to her girls anonymously
Final Step: here’s the genius part…
Get in there and capitalize on the low self-esteem that she is inevitably feeling.
100% of the time this is guaranteed to work 95% of the time. She needs to talk to you at this point in order to gain some sort of validation as an attractive woman. Hell, I’d even fall for it!
So fellas… don’t say I never gave you anything. Go out this weekend and try it and trust me, the more out of your league she is the more rewarding this will be.
thank me later… or thank me now. whatever.
INC
I Pimp my Man
Since New Regime tweeted about this blog I feel obligated to blog. (BTW: follow him www.twitter.com/new_regime)
I used to be a crazy flirt. CRAZY FLIRT but of course I slowed it down when I got into a relationship. Now I reserve my flirting powers solely for personal gain. For instance, I flirt with the technical support at Verizon and I have never ever paid for a phone.
I also have no problem pimping out the bf. I encourage him to do the exact same thing. It’s a recession ya’ll and any money he can save by flashing his million dollar smile is well worth it. The girls go gaga. In fact he’s out working on getting another car as I time this.)
Remember: People like to help beautiful people so milk it.
INC
What a Psycho!
Completely bored with all my food option around my job one day on lunch break I decided to go to Burger King, a choice in food that I still regret. I sat down with my whopper jr. at a table in the corner next to a table occupied by some guy.
He is sitting there having a full blown conversation which included, singing, getting really angry, a fight to get a word in edgewise, and then complete silence. I could not fully hear everything he was saying but I was pretty annoyed and yet still intrigued by the variety of emotion this guy was going thru in a 7-10 min span of time. I figured he was on the phone with a girlfriend or something of the sort because, let’s face it, who else can really send you on an emotional roller coaster of this magnitude?
I lost fascination quickly. I’m annoyed by the blue tooth headset phenomenon because they make you look like you have completely lost your mind. I just wanted him to shut up.
Next thing I knew I’m wondering what kind of headset he was wearing but I couldn’t see around his bug head. Still chatting away, he started gathering his trash to go.He turns to walk out of the door and in plain view, to my horror, was this guys ear UNadorned by a blue tooth headset. THIS GUY WAS ON AN EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER AND HE WAS THE ONLY PASSENGER!!!
Video of the Week
This has been a crazy long week and it’s only Tuesday. Needless to say, every laugh helps. Here’s where I got my first laugh of the day… enjoy! or don’t … who cares!
Now before the video I feel compelled to express that I personally love effeminate males but this very tongue in cheek video on how to hide them… lol just watch!
Video:
How To Find A Masculine Halloween Costume For Your Effeminate Son
